How you unknowingly give away your self-authority (& 5 fixes)
The majority of smart women give away their self-authority without even being aware they’re doing it. It messes with confidence, decision-making, relationships, self-trust, and overall life success. It’s B.S. so let’s dive in.
What does it look like to give away your self-authority?
Asking questions like…
Do you think I should join the tennis league or the gym?
What should I say to Becky!? She totally ignored me!
I have no idea what I should do for my next job — what do you think?
What outfit do you think I should wear?
Being amicable…
Oh, I don’t care where we eat, I’m terrible at making decisions
If you think this is the best way to get to the airport, then you must be right
I don’t like his opinion but I am not going to express mine because what if I’m wrong?
Needing validation…
My boss didn’t say he liked my PowerPoint. I bet it was bad
My boss told me he liked my PowerPoint. Yay! I did a good job
My boyfriend didn’t say anything about my new bathing suit. I must look like a fat ass
My boyfriend liked my bathing suit. Yay! I feel good about myself now
My mom is so rude because she didn’t invite me to lunch, don’t you agree?
Blindly trusting someone with more “authority”…
This influencer knows how I can lose 20lbs in 20 days
My insurance agent says I need to buy the extra insurance
This article says that if I want to be truly happy I need to get married
Were you nodding your head to any of these? If so, you’ve got room for improvement and you know what? So do I. Being a recovering people-pleaser is no joke!
First, please let me be crystal clear and emphasize:
YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU LIKE, WHAT YOUR OPINION IS, AND WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU!
YOU GET TO DECIDE THAT YOU LOOK GOOD IN A BATHING SUIT. YOU GET TO DECIDE THAT YOUR POWERPOINT WAS ON POINT.
YOU GET TO DECIDE HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND JUDGING OR LOVING YOURSELF.
YOU ARE YOUR OWN AUTHORITY. PERIOD.
When’s the last time you stopped to think that your relationship with yourself has been ongoing 24/7 since the day you were born!!!? Who on earth knows you better than you?
Mind-blowing, right? Especially if you’re reading this and thinking…no. I really don’t know myself.
It’s OK. And it’s 100% fixable.
Here are five, take back your power, tips that work!
Be aware. What situations are you regularly giving away your power? Who are you with? This is a great place to start because knowing your weak spots allows you to be prepared and plan what you will say, think, or do in advance.
Know your values. This might take some time but it’s such an important piece of the puzzle! Go back to when you were a kid if you need to — what were your interests? Passions? Dislikes? Things that came (or still come) naturally to you? Your world views? Write it all out and look for overlapping themes. This is you remembering who you are!
Get curious. Maybe you’ve never made a decision on your own about where to eat (or insert your own). Get curious. What sounds good? And if nothing comes to mind, speak up and take initiative to choose anyway! Learning how to flex this muscle helps you get acquainted with what you like and don’t like. And pay attention when you’re there. What do you like/not like about the food, experience, atmosphere? Take note!
Take a stand. On any given day with any given decision…there’s always more than one right option so take a stand and own the choice you make. No decision is ever fatal or final and worse case, you pick again. And yes, this applies to biggies like job choice all the way down to what color shirt to wear. And when you’re very clear on your values these choices become much easier.
Validate yourself. When you seek validation from another person, ever realize that it doesn’t last? It’s like a drug you need week after week. It lasts, however, when you learn how to validate yourself! How? Start with these questions — What do I wish someone would say to me? Why do I want them to say it? And now it’s your turn — what version of that will you start saying to yourself on repeat so that you will start believing it for yourself?
I know this is a lot to ponder and action but don’t let it overwhelm you by thinking you have to do it all (that’s perfectionism and it always ends in crash and burn). Pick one area to work on and stay there until you have made some progress.
If you want to work on these areas and know you do better with guidance and accountability, reach out. Helping you re-find yourself is my jam. And we don’t just find the old you…we find the kick-ass woman ready to live in her power.