Drastic. But it finally helped me understand white privilege. Please read.
White privilege is invisible to many people who have it. I know.
I was white privileged for over 40 years and didn’t have a clue.
Until I became gay. Until I was personally marginalized.
Let me step back to my first heterosexual marriage. When we got engaged it was a happy time and it was so easy to strike up conversations with strangers about our engagement story and all the wedding details. You know how it is — you want the world to know!
It was easy to call the church to secure our date. It was easy to post our engagement picture in the paper. It was easy to plan our big day in our hometown.
And I was totally blind to how privileged this was.
Take II.
Getting engaged a second time… to a woman…was a totally different experience.
Getting engaged to Candace was also a very happy time yet striking up conversations with strangers about it? Not so much. Are these people excepting? If we weren’t sure we always played it safe, avoided the topic, and tabled our public enthusiasm.
Call the church to secure our date? Nope. Getting married in TN still wasn’t even legal when we got engaged which turned our should-be joyous time into a very frustrating process and logistical quagmire.
Where could we get married? Who could or would marry us? How would we get people there? Would people come to a destination wedding? How much more expensive would this be?
We finally gave up and decided to wait and hear our fate when the Supreme Court voted on the topic, which was still months away. Months of waiting in limbo instead of planning and moving forward, something we could have done if we were privileged heterosexuals.
It was a weird time wondering if the Supreme Court would vote to give me back the rights I once had, and took for granted, as a white heterosexual woman. That’s weird, right? I’m the same person with a ‘different’ love interest and suddenly I don’t have the same civil rights and have to wait for a deciding body to give me thumbs up or thumbs down?
That’s f*#$ed up.
If I would have stayed the same — stayed heterosexual — I’m guessing I would have never really understood or probably cared too much about the Supreme Court’s vote or to what other gay people went through or how they felt.
I would have stayed in my oblivious bubble.
I’m glad things happened the way they did because it was through my experience that my eyes opened to really see, and have more compassion for, other groups of unprivileged people. And I still have a long ways to go.
So why do so many white and heterosexual people, able-bodied people, white men, people with homes, college-educated people, thin and attractive people, people who grew up in loving two-parent homes, inherently wealthy people, etc.
live without knowing they’re privileged?
Here are five reasons why and some ways to see or move through it differently if you happen to relate to one and want some ideas.
1. Because privilege doesn’t have meaning until it’s taken away.
Look at my personal example. I had no clue.
It’s like the age-old question — how would you really know happiness if you never experienced sadness?
Here are a few ideas to consider if you want to experience the opposite of privilege first-hand but you don’t want to turn gay ;)
Live without electricity and running water for a weekend from the comfort of your home
Go hungry for a day
Sleep one night in a homeless shelter
Fit your most precious and necessary possessions in a backpack and walk non stop for the next three days
Dress up like a homeless person and beg for money
Do a ride-along with a police officer
2. Because people who don’t intentionally seek to educate themselves about what it’s really like to be another type of person will simply stay ignorant and in their own bubble.
Some people will go to their grave with narrow and limited beliefs about privilege. It’s free will and unfortunately we can’t control them however, we do have the power to influence them if we care to.
What can you do if you know someone like this? Take advantage of any small windows of opportunity to open up communication, listen to learn, and ask thought-provoking questions. Be the lighthouse.
And you know what? It’s OK to distance yourself from these people too. I have a close family member that I distance myself from however, there have been times that I’d like to think they’ve been receptive to some of our conversations.
3. Because we all have inherent negative mind biases so when we don’t have all the facts or first-hand knowledge about someone we tend to generalize, categorize, and group them all into the same ‘person’.
All car salesmen are crooks
Police officers are corrupt
Black men are suspicious
All white men mansplain
Women are always too emotional
What’s fascinating about this is that much of what we believe is based on our personal experiences with these people and/or they’re passed-down beliefs from people who have influenced our lives.
So it can also be true that some people believe that all sales reps are honest, police officers are heroes, black men are trustworthy, all white men listen to understand, and women are grounded.
Interesting right? What is a generalized belief you've adopted? How can you challenge it? What evidence can you seek out that softens your stance?
4. Because 95%-98% of what you do every day is not based on logic even though you may think it is.
The real way you experience your days? Subconsciously. It’s your past programming running today’s show, and much of it is based on faulty ‘logic’.
You, me, and everyone learn the same way — through sensory experiences, associations we make up about those experiences, and repetition. This storyline gets pretty fixed at an early age.
Example: Your dad always telling you to never cross the tracks or talk to those people when you rode your bike helped your mind form a strong association that that side of the tracks and those people are bad or harmful.
And so as an adult, unless you challenge this auto-pilot line of thinking, you continue to think and act the same way.
What’s mind-blowing? We’re all (it’s serious when I use bold, italic, and underline!) walking around with our own hyper-specific brand of logic about not being racist or privileged that isn’t f*&%ing logical. It’s subjective, subconscious, and skewed.
You have the power to snap out of it by being aware, questioning your logic, and then deliberately choosing different experiences that give you new and better associations. Rinse and repeat.
What’s a new experience you can have with someone not like you that will create a new association in your mind about them?
5. Because people who aren’t privileged can add to the misinformation and generalization when they don’t speak up or out in a way so people can hear it.
I was outspoken and confident for over 40 years and when I became gay, not so much. It took me a long minute (and I’m still learning and growing) to re-gain my confidence to speak up for myself and to be the lighthouse so people can see that being gay doesn’t also mean I’m/we’re__________(fill in with your own generalization)___________.
Ever hear of Daryl Davis? He’s a black musician who has convinced over 200 Ku Klux Klan members to turn in their robes by simply having civil and respectful conversations with them. Amazing. Here’s a longer and a shorter version of his inspiring story.
With all this said, it’s my sincere hope that you get curious, especially if you are in a naturally privileged category (or several), and seek out people who aren’t like you and get to know them a little better, listen to understand, apply more compassion, and question your beliefs and logic.
And if you’re the minority? As uncomfortable as it will be, begin speaking up and educating so people can really hear. Use your wisdom and thought-provoking conversations to help people question their current logic.
You have the power to be the lighthouse and even if only a few ships find their way to you in this lifetime that’s still a wonderful success. Small ripples can and do turn into big waves.
Wanna get this next-level party started and keep it growing so everyone feels welcome or better yet, privileged?
Here are some more ideas:
Share this post with your friends and family
Dive into a deeper conversation with someone about something you read
Have a difficult conversation with someone not like you
When you see something say something
Buy a t-shirt or a flag
Donate time or money to activist groups like CALEB
Watch People, Systems, and the Game of Monopoly (30 min)
Watch Why Does Privilege Make People So Angry (5 min)
Watch Before You Call the Cops (3 min)
Commit to doing one thing from this list of 75 Things White People can do for Social Justice
Schedule a time slot with me and ask me anything about being gay without worrying if you’ll ask something offensive (you won’t)
Write down your thoughts about what your day-to-day feels and looks like being you and share it (want to share but anonymously? Send to me and I’ll post it)
And as for me...Candace and I got to have our dream Octoberfest-themed wedding in our hometown after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage. We're currently living happily ever after :)
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